you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
