Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
