The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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