She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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