I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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