Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
