apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
