Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
