he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
