How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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