You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
