why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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