Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
