god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
