I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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