I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
