her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
