everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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