so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
