fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
