Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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