I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We need to get me chipped asap
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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