I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
