apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
