The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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