Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
