Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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