Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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