He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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