I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
operation harelip BJ is a go
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
