My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
