Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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