Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
