6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
