Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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