dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she looked like the before picture.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
