I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
