I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How does one acquire holy water?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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