just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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