new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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