oh god the rape fog is back!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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