Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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