I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
