Your face is a jimmy john
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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