well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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