The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
