I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
