he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
