Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
