a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
