I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
