Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
