IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
