DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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