I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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