if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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