An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You ate ashes out of my bong
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
