I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
