Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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