His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
