Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
