I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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