My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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